I'm just a girl...

What is loneliness?

I've been thinking and wondering a lot lately.
Am I lonely? Or is it not considered loneliness because I enjoy it?

I'm trying to justify why I like to be alone so much. I'm trying to understand why I would much rather be sitting alone at a coffee shop reading or writing, or on my couch, by myself, watching a Red Sox game instead of out partying, or doing whatever twenty year old's are supposed to do, with the rest of my "friends."

I am completely and utterly independent. That's what it comes down to. I have learned, in the last year, how happy I can be without having someone by my side all the time. I mean, for over four years of my life, I was completely smothered and dependent on somebody else. Maybe I'm too young for that right now. Maybe in a few years I'll be fine with that again. But, it just doesn't seem normal for a twenty year old to truly not enjoy going out all the time, partying and having that "college experience." I have absolutely no interest in that. Maybe I should have seen it coming. I wanted to get out of high school early because I was over the "high school experience." I've always been more mature for my age. But, what happens next? I mean, after college, I can't "get out" of the adult life. I can't move on to the next stage in life, because once I'm an adult, that's it. I'll have a husband and kids (hopefully) and a career and that's what I'll do for the rest of my life. They will be my ultimate priority and nothing else will matter. What will I do then? I mean, on the other side, I don't want to be an adult. I don't want to be settled down and have a family. I'm way too young for that. Maybe some day, but definitely not right now.

I'm so, extremely young and I need to be taking this time to go out and enjoy life, meet new people (which I would love to do), party, make mistakes, learn from them, have no regrets or apologies and ultimately be a twenty year old college student. That's what I'm supposed to be doing right now. But, I just want to be alone. I am happiest when I am alone, with nothing but a book, or a laptop to write on.

Does this make me lonely? Loneliness can be defined as "a feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is often compared to feeling empty, unwanted, and unimportant. Someone who is lonely may find it hard to form strong interpersonal relationships." I just can't agree with this definition, for me anyways. Maybe I feel unwanted and unimportant at times, but I am perfectly capable of forming strong, interpersonal relationships, but I just choose not to right now. I can't seem to justify any of these feelings, whatsoever.

So, where does this leave me? What "stage" of life am I in? I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm definitely not a kid, I'm not really acting like the college student I am, and I'm obviously not ready to be an adult. I guess, as Taylor Swift would say, "I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world."

W's Please!

So, I hadn't planned on writing a new post this soon, but, something has been on my mind...

The Red Sox. Shocker, huh?

I am so sick of people questioning my knowledge of my team. Ok, so I don't know absolutely everything there is to know, but really, who does? I am at least doing my part. I keep up with the players and their stats, I watch the games, I understand what's going on and I'm trying to learn about the history. Remember, I have only been a Red Sox fan for 8 years. But, to me, that doesn't matter. They are my heart-and-soul. I live for them. When they hurt, so do I. When they thrive, I do too. And really, who cares if I'm not from Boston? I am so fed up with people calling me "fake." I.AM.DONE.

So, now that I have that off my chest, I'm going to talk about what really matters. And that's what's going on with my boys.

Dustin Pedroia, coming off a remarkable 5-5, three home run, five RBI outing against Colorado, now has a fractured foot and was taken out of Friday's game against the Giants and placed on the DL. Clay Buchholz was taken out of Saturday's game due to a hyper-extended knee, and now Victor Martinez, who was removed from Sunday's game because of a broken thumb. Three injuries in three games. I'm glad we're getting the hell out of the West and headed back home. We have gone through a lot lately, and somehow, it's not fazing us. We are staying positive. And when I say "we," I mean Francona, all of RSN and most importantly, the players.

Even through all the negatives this past weekend, we can't forget that we took 2 out of 3 and completely dominated on Sunday against Lincecum. So much for the key match-up. We needed that CG from Lester (and utter domination of the Giants line-up) to give our bullpen some rest.

Who knows what the future holds for Pedey, V-Mart, Beckett, Ellsbury and all of our other hurt players. I really hope Martinez is not put on the DL and the rest of our players heal extremely quickly. But, even though we aren't where we were hoping to be, in terms of our line-up, we are making the best out of the situation we were put in. We are two games out of first, behind the Yankees (I cringe at that name), and have managed to take over the Wild Card position, knocking the Rays back a game behind us.

We have two off days this week, Monday and Thursday, which could not have come at a better time. We have some work to do. However, in between those off days, we have two games at home that are a must win against Tampa Bay. We need to expand that gap between us and continue to do so the following week when we are visiting Tropicana Field.

We need to win. That's what it comes down to. We need to keep doing what we're doing, and that is getting W's in the book. We also need to remember that we have the best record in baseball since April 20 (42-22).

We have to take the good with the bad and just do what we do best, which is play good baseball. We have the strongest, most positive team and fans I have ever seen in baseball. We will stick together and we will get it done. Our heart-and-soul is there, now we just need to keep hitting, keep getting those insurance runs and make sure our starters go 7+ innings. If we do that, those pinstripes will look pretty damn good sitting in second place.

Go Red Sox!
Jenn Doll

The Beauty of Words

Words are astonishing. I mean, if you think about it, where would we be without them?

Being the aspiring writer that I am, I've grown to absolutely love words, the different meanings and how they can be used to hurt, heal, help, lift-up, destroy or even mend every single being in this world. If you haven't noticed, I have used a lyric from a song, or a quote in almost every post. I do this because I like to elaborate on different sayings and words that I hear, and explain to everyone how I interpret it, and what it means to me.

Why do people love music? Some like it because of the melody, or because of the talent it takes to sing. Now, why do I love music? I love words and lyrics. I love how someone can use words to make up a song and have it apply to so many different people, in so many different ways. It's amazing to me how one lyric can have so many different meanings. Maybe that's why I despise rap music so much. I don't like to dance, so that reason to like it is gone. And the lyrics, to me, are ridiculous and absurd and ultimately don't have much importance or meaning (I don't want to offend anyone, but it's just my opinion). That's why I love country music and Dave Matthews Band. Both of which, have lyrics that are so powerful and consequential, and not to mention, the music behind it is amazing. Music helps so many people. And I like to believe it's because of the lyrics.

Have you ever noticed that, almost always, reading the book is better than the movie? Why is this? It's because, in books, people are given the ability to use their imagination to interpret the words how they want to. While, in movies, it is someone else who uses their thoughts and point-of-view to create something for everyone else to see with their eyes, instead of their mind. Your mind has a way of envisioning words, and you are able to construe what you believe is happening.

So, back to my question about where we would be without words... Think of Hitler, and how he used words to destroy and hurt. Or, how about Ghandi, or Martin Luther King, Jr., and how they used words to heal, lift-up and give hope to so many people. Where would our country be, in terms of Civil Rights, if Martin Luther King, Jr. didn't use his words, and freedom of expression and speech to move and motivate people to make a change? And Hitler, with all the terrible things he did, just by using words, to completely over-take and devastate millions of people. Who knows what our world would be like if people didn't use their power and freedom to express themselves. I have come to the conclusion that we, as a society, would have gone absolutely nowhere without them.

I have always been a person of expressing exactly how I feel, to anyone and everyone. I can't find a reason to hide my feelings inside, to keep them bottled up and not use my God-given ability to communicate. I think that is something that is very obvious to everyone who knows me, or meets me. That is one of the main reasons why I decided to start a blog. Everyone asked me why I don't just write a journal, or a diary. Well, here's why: if God gave me the ability to express, through communication, using words, all of my feelings, why in the world would I hide that? Why would I keep that from everyone when I don't really care who reads this, or what people might think of it or me? Everything that I want to say to someone, or that I might write on here, I would have no problem telling them in person. Writing gives me the ability to express myself in a way that gives me pure joy and happiness. It's an outlet for me, a way for me to use words to explain to people all the crazy thoughts that run through my mind daily.

So, there are many different ways to use words, whether its through music, speaking or, in my case, writing, to express to different people how you feel. I have a lot of work to do and, over time, my vocabulary will expand. I will become a better writer and I will continue to learn more and more. But, if I can reach out and help one, just one person, through my words and writing, and ultimately make a difference in just one person's life, that's all I could ever ask for. I don't want to change the world, although I'd love to try. I don't want to hurt, offend, or destroy anything or anyone through my use of words. All I want to do is use the skills I was given, by my wonderful God, to express how I feel, using the beauty of words, and have people respect me for and appreciate what I absolutely love to do.

Thank you, for your love and support,
Jenn


This is a song by Dave Matthews Band called "The Space Between." It's just an example of a song that has so much meaning to me and how the use of words and lyrics can explain so much and release an emotion of gratitude and the ability to accept, let go and move on. Feel free to interpret it how you'd like, but to me, this song is for my Grandma Doll.

In memory of my Grandma Doll. Rest in Peace. I will love you always. -March 25, 2009-

Reputation or Character?

I've always been so concerned with my reputation. You know, understanding exactly what people think of me. And knowing how I am perceived towards people in my life: my family, my friends, strangers walking past me, customers, co-workers, fellow students and anyone else I might come into contact with throughout the day. It's hard to not think about these things regularly, and have them consume my every day thoughts. I mean, I've never been a very confident person, so it's extremely easy for me to assume people think negatively about me.

Growing up, I was always pretty good at sports. I was never the best, but I was always better than average. When it came to school, however, I never really tried, but I managed to glide right through every time (well, almost every time.. we won't talk about my freshman year of high school). I did end up graduating a year early, though, mainly because I absolutely despised high school and worked my butt off for a good seven months so I could leave that hell-hole. So, even at my very young age, I've accomplished so many great things, however, my self-esteem has never really been as high as most people would assume. I carry myself well, and on the outside it might seem as though I am confident, but on the inside, I am constantly wondering and worrying about what people think of me and I'm always trying to please everyone else.

I guess that's normal, and a lot of people can relate to that. But, why? Why is the human mind so caught up in what other people think? Why do we constantly contemplate or worry about what other, maybe even random, people think of us? It's absurd if you look at it from the outside. But, so many people let it consume their mind.

I've really tried my best lately to ignore that voice in my head that causes me to wonder. I've started ignoring everyone. I've ignored the gossip and rumors that go on where I work and I've tried so hard to not offer my opinion about any matter that I feel is unimportant. It's amazing to me how much happier and confident I am. I've chosen to surround myself with positive people. I'm slowly weeding out all those thorns in my life and it's definitely starting to make a difference. I laugh more now, I smile more and I really think people are starting to notice. Well, maybe not the people I work with because I don't hang out with them anymore. They all wonder what's wrong with me every time I walk in for a shift. But really, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm better off now than I was a month ago.

I've always been self-sufficient, but lately I've become almost completely independent. If I get a chance to hang out with some of my closest friends, I will. But, I've really enjoyed the time I've been at home lately and spending with my family and by myself. These are the days that I will be able to look back on and cherish for the rest of my life. These are the times that I won't ever say, "I wish I would have stayed home," because I am. I've learned so much, even in the last few weeks. One thing being how much I love to write, and I'm not sure I would have ever figured that out if I would have kept doing the same thing, like going out all the time, or not taking time for myself.

I've started focusing more on my character. Ultimately, that's what's important. If you are concerned with nothing more than your character, you will become a better person for yourself, people will start to notice, and in turn, your reputation will change for the better. As long as you know, and God knows, that you are a good person, that's all that matters. Because God is the only one you will have to answer to when you go knocking on those Pearly Gates. So, everyone, besides the people I'm closest to, might wonder what I'm doing, and why I've changed so much. But, I'm still the same Jenn that I've always been. I've just realized the importance of your reputation... there is none. It's completely and utterly insignificant.

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -John Wooden

Just remember the importance of staying true to yourself and you will live a happy life :)

Jenn

Daddy's Little Girl

Twenty years, six months, and eighteen days ago, I came into this world. I came into this world screaming, crying and hungry just like every other newborn. I was then washed and weighed and bundled up in a soft, pink blanket. However, the difference between me and every other newborn baby girl in this world, I was then placed in the hands of the man who I could never have imagined would turn into the most astonishing and incredible daddy any little girl could ever want or need.

Every year, once a year on the third Sunday in June, everyone celebrates all the father's in the world. They celebrate their hard work, their commitment and love to their children and their dedication to being the man in the family. The whole world celebrates all these wonderful men in our lives. But not me, I celebrate my daddy.

"Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy."

We have never had the typical father-daughter relationship. From normal things like playing catch in the front yard, to arguing over my curfew and grades, to all the fun trips we've gone on, my daddy and I have always shared this unexplainable, remarkably close relationship. I could talk for hours, maybe even days about all the wonderful experiences we've shared, but I don't have time for all of that.

I have never known someone who is so willing to put their own happiness aside for no other reason than to make me happy. And for someone to work so hard, for no other reason than to let me and my brothers' grow up in a beautiful home, and to have anything in this world that we could ever want. He gave me everything I could ever need in life, even if sometimes that meant saying "no."

He has not only been the most wonderful daddy to me, but to my brothers' as well. He has always been there for us, through every up and down in our life. And he has always been the most amazing husband to my mom. I feel bad for my future husband, though, because he has a lot to live up to. Let's just say I absolutely refuse to settle for anything less than what my daddy has been to all of us.

From sitting on bleacher's in 90 degree weather watching a baseball game, to me laying in a hospital bed, in so much pain, and him sitting right next to me, refusing to leave my side. From sitting at lunch and talking for hours about our lives, to sitting in my room and me having to tell him how unhappy, depressed and lonely I am and how I want to move half-way across the country. From everything that we've gone through in life, and through all the negatives and positives, he has proved to me that he will support me in any decision I make, he will be there through every sickness, he will gladly enjoy all those fun experiences with me, no matter what it is that we do, and he will always, always, be my daddy.

I have learned so much from him. So many life lessons that I will be able to carry with me for the rest of my life, and hopefully be able to share with my children one day. I have learned the importance of hard work. I have learned the significance of honesty and truth. I have learned that unconditional love and comfort isn't something we should take for granted, because not everyone is fortunate enough to possess that on a daily basis. But, most importantly, I have learned that it is the greatest feeling in the world, to wake up every morning with the knowledge that I have been and always be my daddy's little girl.

This is for you, daddy. I hope you know how much you mean to me. I want you to know how grateful I am for everything you've done for me in these past twenty years. And I want you to know that no matter how old I am, and even though I might not fit in your lap anymore, I will always be your baby girl and I will make sure my future husband knows that you loved me first! Happy Daddy's Day! I love you!

Jenn

Why Boston?

I was born with the ability to call the infield fly rule. I knew how to keep score before I could even write. I knew what 6-4-3 meant before I knew how to add or subtract. And, for me, the saying "Diamonds are a girl's best friend" has a more important meaning than some shiny piece of jewelry hanging on my neck. I went to my first baseball game before I ever came out of the womb. I had no genetic hope of ever not loving the most amazing, stressful, exciting, heartbreaking, remarkable, complex game of baseball. And I don't think it's possible for me to love something more than the smell of that beautiful, neatly-cut grass, the sight of perfectly white lines around the most incredible color of brown I have ever seen, in the middle of a warm, Spring day with a light breeze and blue sky, and hearing the National Anthem played before those two words that make my life worth living, "Play Ball!"

I'm from Dallas, Texas, home of the Texas Rangers. I went to the Ballpark in Arlington many, many times before the age of eight. Then I moved to Atlanta, GA where watching the Braves on a Sunday afternoon was the epitome of a great weekend. So why Boston? Why do I have this unhealthy obsession with the Red Sox when I'm not even from there? I can't even count how many times I've been asked those questions, or been told that I "jumped on the bandwagon" or that I'm not a real fan because I'm not from up north.

At the ripe young age of twelve, I was forced to get on a plane, to be taken away from all my friends for a week and fly to Boston, MA with my family to watch my brother play in a baseball tournament. While we were up there, we had a free day that we took to tour the city. Being the baseball-loving family that we are, we couldn't be in Boston and not visit Fenway Park. We, unfortunately, could not get tickets to a game but my Dad being the smooth talker he is, talked the security guard into letting us in for a few minutes without tickets (my Dad had never been to Fenway, and one of his dreams in life is to visit all the ballparks in the country). I had to ask my Dad the details, because at the time, I didn't care who was playing. But, he reminded me that Carlos Peña of the Detroit Tigers was up to bat and we got to stand in the aisle and watch. Before we left, and stepped back on to Yawkey Way, something inside me clicked. I knew, appreciated, understood and loved the game of baseball. And something absolutely remarkable happened inside of me and I was able to feel every emotion and history of that beloved ballpark. I could see Ted Williams in the batter's box, I could see Babe Ruth on the mound in his Boston uniform and I could feel the heartache, the upset of "The Curse of the Bambino," and at that point, 83 years of disappointment. I could sense that even through all the misery, and all the frustration, the hope of victory and triumph in all the hearts of those fans sitting in those stands and I wanted nothing more than to be a part of the greatest Nation in the world.

From my living room, all the way in Atlanta, GA, I was on the edge of my seat during the ALCS in 2004, and almost had a heart-attack when the last out was made in the World Series and 86 years of pain, distress, anguish and upset were finally broken. And I thrived, as a seventeen year old girl, with every other Red Sox fan during 2007 when we took that trophy home again.

I wasn't able to visit Boston again until May of 2009. I was lucky enough to be able to see Dave Matthews Band (my other obsession) perform two shows at Fenway Park (the Sox were out of town that week because of the concert, of course...). I spent five days there touring the city that I love, and enjoying the fact that I was spending time in the place where I know I am meant to be. I had to have been the only teenage girl there, at a DMB concert, who was calling her Dad to tell him that she had just kissed Pesky's pole, and sending him a picture message of me sitting on the third base dugout. I was in my heaven. I have never been happier, and it was absolutely, without a doubt, no questions asked, the most amazing experience of my life.

One day I will move to Boston, I will take over Heidi Watney's job (far-fetched, but it is my ultimate goal in life, FYI) and I will live the life that I know I'm meant to live. But, until then, I will continue to sing "Sweet Caroline" driving down the road, pretending I am experiencing the middle of the 8th inning of a Red Sox game at Fenway. I will proudly wear my Red Sox hat every shift I work and I will happily drive around in my red Ford Escape that is practically a shrine of the most amazing baseball team in the world. I have cried, smiled, been angry, but most of all, been a true fan to the Boston Red Sox. Baseball is love. Baseball has been and always will be such an important part of my life. So why Boston? Let me ask you a better question, why not Boston?


“Baseball isn’t a life-and-death matter, but the Red Sox are.”

Jenn

Never Alone

Friendship. That is what I want to talk about today.

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

During the last few weeks, I have intentionally started distancing myself from people. And I say "people" because I'm trying to divide them into groups. It might sound rude, or even discourteous, but I have decided that I need to do this for me. I need to figure out who is truly a good friend. To find out who is willing to break down these walls that I've formed to reach out, to understand and to ultimately prove to me that they want to be a part of not only my present, but also my future.

At age twenty, I've come to the conclusion that most people in your life will only be there for a short period of time. However, I truly believe that every single being that you come in to contact with has a purpose and will influence who you are as a person for the rest of your life. I could go on for hours about past relationships I've had and explain reasons why I believe those people were in my life and how they have impacted me, but that's not relevant right now.

Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

-Lady Antebellum

That song has so much meaning and truth behind it. It explains that it doesn't matter the distance, no matter where you go in life, whether it is physically moving or emotionally changing, that a true friend will always be there.

So, to me, true friendship isn't about how often you talk or how often you see each other. True friendship is to know that when you are at your best, that other person will thrive with you, they will smile and laugh and enjoy every moment of this beautiful life with you. And when you are at your absolute worst, this person will be there to comfort you when you need a hug, to weep with you when you are sad, to guide you when you're lost and don't know where to go, to not judge you for your faults and to be there for you, always, with no intention of receiving anything out of it, because they want to and because they love you.

I have been blessed to have a few of those, and I know how lucky I am because not everyone can say that. I am also very grateful to be able to include my brothers and my parents in that list as well.

I'm starting to learn the people who are willing to break down these walls that I've so deliberately put up, and I'm so thankful for those people. And the ones that aren't willing, I have learned that it's OK. People will come and go in your life. You will hurt for those losses, you might not understand why, but you just have to accept the fact that God put every single person in your life for a reason. To help mold you, shape you and guide you to be the person you are meant to be and ultimately be a contributor to your purpose in life. So, remember, no matter how lonesome you might feel, when you have a true friend, you are never, ever alone.

And lastly, I want to dedicate this post to the two best friends that I could ever possibly have, Jessica and Melissa. You girls have shown me that this idea of true friendship is possible and absolutely wonderful, and I am so blessed to have you two a part of my life. I'm not sure what I did to deserve not one, but two extremely amazing people to be that true friend, that undeniably, incredible best friend. I love you both more than you could ever possibly imagine!

-Happy 21st Birthday Melissa! I hope you have the most amazing day today and I'm so thankful to be able to share these memories with you!

Forever filled with love,

Jenn ♥