I'm just a girl...

What is loneliness?

I've been thinking and wondering a lot lately.
Am I lonely? Or is it not considered loneliness because I enjoy it?

I'm trying to justify why I like to be alone so much. I'm trying to understand why I would much rather be sitting alone at a coffee shop reading or writing, or on my couch, by myself, watching a Red Sox game instead of out partying, or doing whatever twenty year old's are supposed to do, with the rest of my "friends."

I am completely and utterly independent. That's what it comes down to. I have learned, in the last year, how happy I can be without having someone by my side all the time. I mean, for over four years of my life, I was completely smothered and dependent on somebody else. Maybe I'm too young for that right now. Maybe in a few years I'll be fine with that again. But, it just doesn't seem normal for a twenty year old to truly not enjoy going out all the time, partying and having that "college experience." I have absolutely no interest in that. Maybe I should have seen it coming. I wanted to get out of high school early because I was over the "high school experience." I've always been more mature for my age. But, what happens next? I mean, after college, I can't "get out" of the adult life. I can't move on to the next stage in life, because once I'm an adult, that's it. I'll have a husband and kids (hopefully) and a career and that's what I'll do for the rest of my life. They will be my ultimate priority and nothing else will matter. What will I do then? I mean, on the other side, I don't want to be an adult. I don't want to be settled down and have a family. I'm way too young for that. Maybe some day, but definitely not right now.

I'm so, extremely young and I need to be taking this time to go out and enjoy life, meet new people (which I would love to do), party, make mistakes, learn from them, have no regrets or apologies and ultimately be a twenty year old college student. That's what I'm supposed to be doing right now. But, I just want to be alone. I am happiest when I am alone, with nothing but a book, or a laptop to write on.

Does this make me lonely? Loneliness can be defined as "a feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is often compared to feeling empty, unwanted, and unimportant. Someone who is lonely may find it hard to form strong interpersonal relationships." I just can't agree with this definition, for me anyways. Maybe I feel unwanted and unimportant at times, but I am perfectly capable of forming strong, interpersonal relationships, but I just choose not to right now. I can't seem to justify any of these feelings, whatsoever.

So, where does this leave me? What "stage" of life am I in? I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm definitely not a kid, I'm not really acting like the college student I am, and I'm obviously not ready to be an adult. I guess, as Taylor Swift would say, "I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world."