I've always been so concerned with my reputation. You know, understanding exactly what people think of me. And knowing how I am perceived towards people in my life: my family, my friends, strangers walking past me, customers, co-workers, fellow students and anyone else I might come into contact with throughout the day. It's hard to not think about these things regularly, and have them consume my every day thoughts. I mean, I've never been a very confident person, so it's extremely easy for me to assume people think negatively about me.
Growing up, I was always pretty good at sports. I was never the best, but I was always better than average. When it came to school, however, I never really tried, but I managed to glide right through every time (well, almost every time.. we won't talk about my freshman year of high school). I did end up graduating a year early, though, mainly because I absolutely despised high school and worked my butt off for a good seven months so I could leave that hell-hole. So, even at my very young age, I've accomplished so many great things, however, my self-esteem has never really been as high as most people would assume. I carry myself well, and on the outside it might seem as though I am confident, but on the inside, I am constantly wondering and worrying about what people think of me and I'm always trying to please everyone else.
I guess that's normal, and a lot of people can relate to that. But, why? Why is the human mind so caught up in what other people think? Why do we constantly contemplate or worry about what other, maybe even random, people think of us? It's absurd if you look at it from the outside. But, so many people let it consume their mind.
I've really tried my best lately to ignore that voice in my head that causes me to wonder. I've started ignoring everyone. I've ignored the gossip and rumors that go on where I work and I've tried so hard to not offer my opinion about any matter that I feel is unimportant. It's amazing to me how much happier and confident I am. I've chosen to surround myself with positive people. I'm slowly weeding out all those thorns in my life and it's definitely starting to make a difference. I laugh more now, I smile more and I really think people are starting to notice. Well, maybe not the people I work with because I don't hang out with them anymore. They all wonder what's wrong with me every time I walk in for a shift. But really, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm better off now than I was a month ago.
I've always been self-sufficient, but lately I've become almost completely independent. If I get a chance to hang out with some of my closest friends, I will. But, I've really enjoyed the time I've been at home lately and spending with my family and by myself. These are the days that I will be able to look back on and cherish for the rest of my life. These are the times that I won't ever say, "I wish I would have stayed home," because I am. I've learned so much, even in the last few weeks. One thing being how much I love to write, and I'm not sure I would have ever figured that out if I would have kept doing the same thing, like going out all the time, or not taking time for myself.
I've started focusing more on my character. Ultimately, that's what's important. If you are concerned with nothing more than your character, you will become a better person for yourself, people will start to notice, and in turn, your reputation will change for the better. As long as you know, and God knows, that you are a good person, that's all that matters. Because God is the only one you will have to answer to when you go knocking on those Pearly Gates. So, everyone, besides the people I'm closest to, might wonder what I'm doing, and why I've changed so much. But, I'm still the same Jenn that I've always been. I've just realized the importance of your reputation... there is none. It's completely and utterly insignificant.
"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -John Wooden
Just remember the importance of staying true to yourself and you will live a happy life :)
Jenn
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