"When you figure out love is all that matters after all..."

I had grown cynical of love in the past 10 months. And maybe it's not all towards love, but also myself. I've been trying to comprehend what happened, and understand the thought process of why I did what I did, and felt what I felt. But, to this day I don't get it. Maybe one day all the pieces will fit together and the reason I've been searching for will expose itself... maybe one day.

As for now, all I have are memories. Some good, some bad, some that I don't want to ever think about again and some that I would love to go back and relive forever.

As for the back-story; I dated someone from the time I was fifteen until I was almost twenty. Over four years of my teenage life I spent with one person whom I was certain I was going to spend the rest of my life with. In a matter of days, I went from being completely, head-over-heels in love to wanting nothing but space, to be alone and most importantly, to be away from him. It was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, to break someone's heart who loved me unconditionally for the person I was and wanted to be. But, being the extremely honest and open person I am, I couldn't hide it from him and I had to tell him the truth. The next few months I grew depressed, lonely and turned into the person I always swore I wouldn't be. There were a lot of changes in my life, but we're not going to get in to those today. Today I want to talk about my present state of mind and the true meaning of love.

Whenever me and my ex would argue (which would usually be my fault, and I will openly take the blame for that), I would listen to Carrie Underwood's song, "So Small." It would open my eyes, and make me realize that whatever it was that made me angry or upset, was nothing in the great scheme of life. That no matter what, love is above all and is absolutely the most important part of life. I truly believe that hearing that song helped us share such a positive relationship. So why the change? Why could I not listen to that song and make me not want to end our relationship?

Well, after months and months of thinking and contemplating reasons for my actions, it finally hit me. The love that Carrie talks about in that song isn't completely about the love of a boyfriend or girlfriend, even a husband and wife. There's all kinds of different loves to have for someone. My love for my parents is completely different than the love I have for my brothers, and my friends. Obviously, there is some meaning for the love of that significant person in your life, if you are lucky enough to have that someone. But, isn't the deeper meaning of that song so much more than that?

"Cause sometimes, that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. And what you've been out there searching for forever, is in your hands." That part of the song is what really got me thinking. I've been trying to figure out for almost a year now, the reasons for my actions. Now, I want you all to know that I'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason, but even I was doubting everything that I believed in because it just didn't make sense. But, it's in my hands now. It's all there and I finally get it. The love that she is talking about is God's love. And no matter what obstacles you go through in life, all the mountains that you climb and rivers that you think will swallow you whole, to understand that unconditional, never-changing love that God has for you is all that matters. It truly makes that mountain a grain of sand.

"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

I want you all to think about those "small things" that can get you down, depressed and wanting to get away. I want you to think of all those emotions and feelings that nobody understands or nothing that anyone could possibly say will make it better. Those things that can ultimately ruin relationships. I want you to think of those things, and then remember this, "When you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else, seem so small."

As for me, I will find that special love again. I'm not worried about that anymore. I have all the love I need right now from the most amazing parents, brothers, friends and most importantly, my wonderful God. I'm young, enjoying life and trying to figure out how all these stages I'm going through will somehow contribute to my purpose in life. So, the cynicism I felt for months and months is gone. The idea that I might not have a purpose in this life is forever washed away. And now I get to focus on figuring out why I'm on this earth, the beauty of life, the unbelievable gratefulness for everything I possess and the undying love that God has for me.

With love, until next time,
Jenn ♥