Excuse me, miss. Miss, hello, can you please come here. Ma’am, I need a refill. *snaps fingers* Jenn, I need another beer.
That’s what I hear on a daily basis, repeatedly for hours and hours every shift I work. That nagging voice of needy people expecting me to be their slave, which I suppose I am in a way.
I live in a very wealthy town. A town where Mercedes, BMWs, Range Rovers and any other fancy car you can think of get driven around by “soccer moms” and dads who are too busy working to spend any amount of time with their children. That is the kind of town I live in. And not only do I live here, but I get the luxury of serving these ass holes (pardon my language).
I don’t understand how these people can drive around in their precious Lexus, or flash that $20K diamond ring in my face, but yet, when they come to eat at MY restaurant and have ME serve them, and they look at that tip line at the end of their meal and only give me fifteen percent…? Do they REALLY need those extra two or three dollars that bad? Would leaving me an extra five percent hurt them as much as it would help me?
As a server (do not call me a waitress, I hate it), I get paid $2.13 an hour, which all goes to taxes anyways, so I rarely get a paycheck. I solely rely on the generosity of the general public to be able to afford all the expenses in my life. It’s tough, not going to lie. So why do I do it? Why do I put up with all the BS from my needy, selfish, over-analyzing customers?
“Little red bird under a chair
Waiting for the crumbs to fall
Daddy said "Get a job"
Well don't you see, Daddy, how good I am at catching crumbs?”
-Dave Matthews Band
I work hard, and I mean very, very hard for my money. Sometimes I don’t get what I deserve. But I do it, forty hours a week I put up with this crap. I am going to school, I will get a degree, I will get a career and I will leave this place. But, in the meantime, why would I want to be that little red bird that is so proud of its ability to catch crumbs?
“You learn you can do your best even when it’s hard, even when you're tired and maybe hurting a little bit. It feels good to show some courage.”
After working at this sports bar/restaurant for almost a year, I’ve learned many important lessons to help carry me through life. But the most valuable one is by far having the ability to work hard, not complain and just do what you have to do, all with a smile on your face and a positive attitude.
So how does this coincide with my quest to find my ultimate purpose in life? I pride myself on being a hard worker. I pride myself on having the ability to keep a smile on my face when someone is snapping their fingers at me. And one day someone will notice it and appreciate what I do. And when that day comes, I will understand why I put up with it for so long. I will finally be able to say that I am and always will be a better person, all because of this job. I will be one step closer in achieving my goal of finding and understanding my purpose in this messed up, insane, crazy-beautiful life I am living. And I can finally say that I will never, ever be that little red bird.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
"When you figure out love is all that matters after all..."
I had grown cynical of love in the past 10 months. And maybe it's not all towards love, but also myself. I've been trying to comprehend what happened, and understand the thought process of why I did what I did, and felt what I felt. But, to this day I don't get it. Maybe one day all th
e pieces will fit together and the reason I've been searching for will expose itself... maybe one day.
As for now, all I have are memories. Some good, some bad, some that I don't want to ever think about again and some that I would love to go back and relive forever.
As for the back-story; I dated someone from the time I was fifteen until I was almost twenty. Over four years of my teenage life I spent with one person whom I was certain I was going to spend the rest of my life with. In a matter of days, I went from being completely, head-over-heels in love to wanting nothing but space, to be alone and most importantly, to be away from him. It was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, to break someone's heart who loved me unconditionally for the person I was and wanted to be. But, being the extremely honest and open person I am, I couldn't hide it from him and I had to tell him the truth. The next few months I grew depressed, lonely and turned into the person I always swore I wouldn't be. There were a lot of changes in my life, but we're not going to get in to those today. Today I want to talk about my present state of mind and the true meaning of love.
Whenever me and my ex would argue (which would usually be my fault, and I will openly take the blame for that), I would listen to Carrie Underwood's song, "So Small." It would open my eyes, and make me realize that whatever it was that made me angry or upset, was nothing in the great scheme of life. That no matter what, love is above all and is absolutely the most important part of life. I truly believe that hearing that song helped us share such a positive relationship. So why the change? Why could I not listen to that song and make me not want to end our relationship?
Well, after months and months of thinking and contemplating reasons for my actions, it finally hit me. The love that Carrie talks about in that song isn't completely about the love of a boyfriend or girlfriend, even a husband and wife. There's all kinds of different loves to have for someone. My love for my parents is completely different than the love I have for my brothers, and my friends. Obviously, there is some meaning for the love of that significant person in your life, if you are lucky enough to have that someone. But, isn't the deeper meaning of that song so much more than that?
"Cause sometimes, that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. And what you've been out there searching for forever, is in your hands." That part of the song is what really got me thinking. I've been trying to figure out for almost a year now, the reasons for my actions. Now, I want you all to know that I'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason, but even I was doubting everything that I believed in because it just didn't make sense. But, it's in my hands now. It's all there and I finally get it. The love that she is talking about is God's love. And no matter what obstacles you go through in life, all the mountains that you climb and rivers that you think will swallow you whole, to understand that unconditional, never-changing love that God has for you is all that matters. It truly makes that mountain a grain of sand.
"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
I want you all to think about those "small things" that can get you down, depressed and wanting to get away. I want you to think of all those emotions and feelings that nobody understands or nothing that anyone could possibly say will make it better. Those things that can ultimate
ly ruin relationships. I want you to think of those things, and then remember this, "When you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else, seem so small."
As for me, I will find that special love again. I'm not worried about that anymore. I have all the love I need right now from the most amazing parents, brothers, friends and most importantly, my wonderful God. I'm young, enjoying life and trying to figure out how all these stages I'm going through will somehow contribute to my purpose in life. So, the cynicism I felt for months and months is gone. The idea that I might not have a purpose in this life is forever washed away. And now I get to focus on figuring out why I'm on this earth, the beauty of life, the unbelievable gratefulness for everything I possess and the undying love that God has for me.
With love, until next time,
Jenn ♥
e pieces will fit together and the reason I've been searching for will expose itself... maybe one day.As for now, all I have are memories. Some good, some bad, some that I don't want to ever think about again and some that I would love to go back and relive forever.
As for the back-story; I dated someone from the time I was fifteen until I was almost twenty. Over four years of my teenage life I spent with one person whom I was certain I was going to spend the rest of my life with. In a matter of days, I went from being completely, head-over-heels in love to wanting nothing but space, to be alone and most importantly, to be away from him. It was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, to break someone's heart who loved me unconditionally for the person I was and wanted to be. But, being the extremely honest and open person I am, I couldn't hide it from him and I had to tell him the truth. The next few months I grew depressed, lonely and turned into the person I always swore I wouldn't be. There were a lot of changes in my life, but we're not going to get in to those today. Today I want to talk about my present state of mind and the true meaning of love.
Whenever me and my ex would argue (which would usually be my fault, and I will openly take the blame for that), I would listen to Carrie Underwood's song, "So Small." It would open my eyes, and make me realize that whatever it was that made me angry or upset, was nothing in the great scheme of life. That no matter what, love is above all and is absolutely the most important part of life. I truly believe that hearing that song helped us share such a positive relationship. So why the change? Why could I not listen to that song and make me not want to end our relationship?
Well, after months and months of thinking and contemplating reasons for my actions, it finally hit me. The love that Carrie talks about in that song isn't completely about the love of a boyfriend or girlfriend, even a husband and wife. There's all kinds of different loves to have for someone. My love for my parents is completely different than the love I have for my brothers, and my friends. Obviously, there is some meaning for the love of that significant person in your life, if you are lucky enough to have that someone. But, isn't the deeper meaning of that song so much more than that?
"Cause sometimes, that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. And what you've been out there searching for forever, is in your hands." That part of the song is what really got me thinking. I've been trying to figure out for almost a year now, the reasons for my actions. Now, I want you all to know that I'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason, but even I was doubting everything that I believed in because it just didn't make sense. But, it's in my hands now. It's all there and I finally get it. The love that she is talking about is God's love. And no matter what obstacles you go through in life, all the mountains that you climb and rivers that you think will swallow you whole, to understand that unconditional, never-changing love that God has for you is all that matters. It truly makes that mountain a grain of sand.
"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
I want you all to think about those "small things" that can get you down, depressed and wanting to get away. I want you to think of all those emotions and feelings that nobody understands or nothing that anyone could possibly say will make it better. Those things that can ultimate
ly ruin relationships. I want you to think of those things, and then remember this, "When you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else, seem so small."As for me, I will find that special love again. I'm not worried about that anymore. I have all the love I need right now from the most amazing parents, brothers, friends and most importantly, my wonderful God. I'm young, enjoying life and trying to figure out how all these stages I'm going through will somehow contribute to my purpose in life. So, the cynicism I felt for months and months is gone. The idea that I might not have a purpose in this life is forever washed away. And now I get to focus on figuring out why I'm on this earth, the beauty of life, the unbelievable gratefulness for everything I possess and the undying love that God has for me.
With love, until next time,
Jenn ♥
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
What is the purpose of life?
As I sat here on my bed, staring at the screen for a good fifteen minutes, I was trying to come up with a name for this blog. I was thinking, pondering on what I wanted to talk about. I have so much on my mind all the time, and I had to think of something that was very general, yet summed up everything in a short little phrase. And it hit me, finally. I am twenty years old. I am lost, confused, lonely and trying to figure out the purpose of my life.
But before I start talking about the purpose of life, I want to begin by telling you how blessed I am, and tell you a little bit about myself. I was born in Plano, TX on December 1, 1989. I moved to the Atlanta, GA area when I was in second grade because of my father's job. I am lucky enough to still have both my parents around, happily married for 33 years. I have two older brothers, Bryan (29) and Mark (24). I am not only the baby of the family, but the only girl, and I wouldn't have it any other way. No offense to any girls out there, but I'm not sure I could have ever handled a sister. I grew up playing sports, climbing trees, hanging on basketball goals (yes,
I was a crazy little one!), scraping my knees and I absolutely loved every second of it. I was the ultimate "tom-boy". But, I was also my parents "baby doll" (no pun intended..). I was their pride and joy, their sweet, baby girl, and my mom took full advantage of the fact that I didn't mind her dressing me up. Bows, dresses, curlers in my hair and my bright green eyes got me anything and everything I wanted. As Rodney Atkins once said, "She's her Daddy's girl, her Momma's whole world," and that was exactly how it was and always will be for me. I have a very close relationship with both my parents and my brothers and I am truly, truly blessed to have grown up in such a loving and supportive household.
I'll tell you more about my childhood later, but now I want to focus on not only the purpose of life, or even my life, but the purpose of this blog as well. I "Googled" the "purpose of life," and of course tons of options showed up. I was reading some different meanings and articles, and I realized that I want this blog to be different. I know I'm trying to figure out the purpose of life, and more importantly, my life, but while I'm on this journey, I want to share with you all the experiences that I'm going through. From the good, the bad, the ugly and even the beautiful. I'm not afraid to talk about religion, politics, and as you will all figure out baseball. I have a passion for baseball and even more so, the Boston Red Sox. This isn't going to be a sports blog, so to say, but I will definitely talk about baseball a lot because it is such a big part of my life and something I hope will be a part of my future. So, I hope you guys join me in this journey, this quest to figure out the ultimate purpose of life and maybe even help guide me to figure out my own purpose in this crazy, beautiful life.
Goodbye for now, but not for long.
Jenn Doll (yes, my last name is REALLY Doll, and I think it's pretty awesome)
:) :)
But before I start talking about the purpose of life, I want to begin by telling you how blessed I am, and tell you a little bit about myself. I was born in Plano, TX on December 1, 1989. I moved to the Atlanta, GA area when I was in second grade because of my father's job. I am lucky enough to still have both my parents around, happily married for 33 years. I have two older brothers, Bryan (29) and Mark (24). I am not only the baby of the family, but the only girl, and I wouldn't have it any other way. No offense to any girls out there, but I'm not sure I could have ever handled a sister. I grew up playing sports, climbing trees, hanging on basketball goals (yes,
I was a crazy little one!), scraping my knees and I absolutely loved every second of it. I was the ultimate "tom-boy". But, I was also my parents "baby doll" (no pun intended..). I was their pride and joy, their sweet, baby girl, and my mom took full advantage of the fact that I didn't mind her dressing me up. Bows, dresses, curlers in my hair and my bright green eyes got me anything and everything I wanted. As Rodney Atkins once said, "She's her Daddy's girl, her Momma's whole world," and that was exactly how it was and always will be for me. I have a very close relationship with both my parents and my brothers and I am truly, truly blessed to have grown up in such a loving and supportive household.I'll tell you more about my childhood later, but now I want to focus on not only the purpose of life, or even my life, but the purpose of this blog as well. I "Googled" the "purpose of life," and of course tons of options showed up. I was reading some different meanings and articles, and I realized that I want this blog to be different. I know I'm trying to figure out the purpose of life, and more importantly, my life, but while I'm on this journey, I want to share with you all the experiences that I'm going through. From the good, the bad, the ugly and even the beautiful. I'm not afraid to talk about religion, politics, and as you will all figure out baseball. I have a passion for baseball and even more so, the Boston Red Sox. This isn't going to be a sports blog, so to say, but I will definitely talk about baseball a lot because it is such a big part of my life and something I hope will be a part of my future. So, I hope you guys join me in this journey, this quest to figure out the ultimate purpose of life and maybe even help guide me to figure out my own purpose in this crazy, beautiful life.
Goodbye for now, but not for long.
Jenn Doll (yes, my last name is REALLY Doll, and I think it's pretty awesome)
:) :)
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