Why Boston?

I was born with the ability to call the infield fly rule. I knew how to keep score before I could even write. I knew what 6-4-3 meant before I knew how to add or subtract. And, for me, the saying "Diamonds are a girl's best friend" has a more important meaning than some shiny piece of jewelry hanging on my neck. I went to my first baseball game before I ever came out of the womb. I had no genetic hope of ever not loving the most amazing, stressful, exciting, heartbreaking, remarkable, complex game of baseball. And I don't think it's possible for me to love something more than the smell of that beautiful, neatly-cut grass, the sight of perfectly white lines around the most incredible color of brown I have ever seen, in the middle of a warm, Spring day with a light breeze and blue sky, and hearing the National Anthem played before those two words that make my life worth living, "Play Ball!"

I'm from Dallas, Texas, home of the Texas Rangers. I went to the Ballpark in Arlington many, many times before the age of eight. Then I moved to Atlanta, GA where watching the Braves on a Sunday afternoon was the epitome of a great weekend. So why Boston? Why do I have this unhealthy obsession with the Red Sox when I'm not even from there? I can't even count how many times I've been asked those questions, or been told that I "jumped on the bandwagon" or that I'm not a real fan because I'm not from up north.

At the ripe young age of twelve, I was forced to get on a plane, to be taken away from all my friends for a week and fly to Boston, MA with my family to watch my brother play in a baseball tournament. While we were up there, we had a free day that we took to tour the city. Being the baseball-loving family that we are, we couldn't be in Boston and not visit Fenway Park. We, unfortunately, could not get tickets to a game but my Dad being the smooth talker he is, talked the security guard into letting us in for a few minutes without tickets (my Dad had never been to Fenway, and one of his dreams in life is to visit all the ballparks in the country). I had to ask my Dad the details, because at the time, I didn't care who was playing. But, he reminded me that Carlos Peña of the Detroit Tigers was up to bat and we got to stand in the aisle and watch. Before we left, and stepped back on to Yawkey Way, something inside me clicked. I knew, appreciated, understood and loved the game of baseball. And something absolutely remarkable happened inside of me and I was able to feel every emotion and history of that beloved ballpark. I could see Ted Williams in the batter's box, I could see Babe Ruth on the mound in his Boston uniform and I could feel the heartache, the upset of "The Curse of the Bambino," and at that point, 83 years of disappointment. I could sense that even through all the misery, and all the frustration, the hope of victory and triumph in all the hearts of those fans sitting in those stands and I wanted nothing more than to be a part of the greatest Nation in the world.

From my living room, all the way in Atlanta, GA, I was on the edge of my seat during the ALCS in 2004, and almost had a heart-attack when the last out was made in the World Series and 86 years of pain, distress, anguish and upset were finally broken. And I thrived, as a seventeen year old girl, with every other Red Sox fan during 2007 when we took that trophy home again.

I wasn't able to visit Boston again until May of 2009. I was lucky enough to be able to see Dave Matthews Band (my other obsession) perform two shows at Fenway Park (the Sox were out of town that week because of the concert, of course...). I spent five days there touring the city that I love, and enjoying the fact that I was spending time in the place where I know I am meant to be. I had to have been the only teenage girl there, at a DMB concert, who was calling her Dad to tell him that she had just kissed Pesky's pole, and sending him a picture message of me sitting on the third base dugout. I was in my heaven. I have never been happier, and it was absolutely, without a doubt, no questions asked, the most amazing experience of my life.

One day I will move to Boston, I will take over Heidi Watney's job (far-fetched, but it is my ultimate goal in life, FYI) and I will live the life that I know I'm meant to live. But, until then, I will continue to sing "Sweet Caroline" driving down the road, pretending I am experiencing the middle of the 8th inning of a Red Sox game at Fenway. I will proudly wear my Red Sox hat every shift I work and I will happily drive around in my red Ford Escape that is practically a shrine of the most amazing baseball team in the world. I have cried, smiled, been angry, but most of all, been a true fan to the Boston Red Sox. Baseball is love. Baseball has been and always will be such an important part of my life. So why Boston? Let me ask you a better question, why not Boston?


“Baseball isn’t a life-and-death matter, but the Red Sox are.”

Jenn

Never Alone

Friendship. That is what I want to talk about today.

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

During the last few weeks, I have intentionally started distancing myself from people. And I say "people" because I'm trying to divide them into groups. It might sound rude, or even discourteous, but I have decided that I need to do this for me. I need to figure out who is truly a good friend. To find out who is willing to break down these walls that I've formed to reach out, to understand and to ultimately prove to me that they want to be a part of not only my present, but also my future.

At age twenty, I've come to the conclusion that most people in your life will only be there for a short period of time. However, I truly believe that every single being that you come in to contact with has a purpose and will influence who you are as a person for the rest of your life. I could go on for hours about past relationships I've had and explain reasons why I believe those people were in my life and how they have impacted me, but that's not relevant right now.

Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

-Lady Antebellum

That song has so much meaning and truth behind it. It explains that it doesn't matter the distance, no matter where you go in life, whether it is physically moving or emotionally changing, that a true friend will always be there.

So, to me, true friendship isn't about how often you talk or how often you see each other. True friendship is to know that when you are at your best, that other person will thrive with you, they will smile and laugh and enjoy every moment of this beautiful life with you. And when you are at your absolute worst, this person will be there to comfort you when you need a hug, to weep with you when you are sad, to guide you when you're lost and don't know where to go, to not judge you for your faults and to be there for you, always, with no intention of receiving anything out of it, because they want to and because they love you.

I have been blessed to have a few of those, and I know how lucky I am because not everyone can say that. I am also very grateful to be able to include my brothers and my parents in that list as well.

I'm starting to learn the people who are willing to break down these walls that I've so deliberately put up, and I'm so thankful for those people. And the ones that aren't willing, I have learned that it's OK. People will come and go in your life. You will hurt for those losses, you might not understand why, but you just have to accept the fact that God put every single person in your life for a reason. To help mold you, shape you and guide you to be the person you are meant to be and ultimately be a contributor to your purpose in life. So, remember, no matter how lonesome you might feel, when you have a true friend, you are never, ever alone.

And lastly, I want to dedicate this post to the two best friends that I could ever possibly have, Jessica and Melissa. You girls have shown me that this idea of true friendship is possible and absolutely wonderful, and I am so blessed to have you two a part of my life. I'm not sure what I did to deserve not one, but two extremely amazing people to be that true friend, that undeniably, incredible best friend. I love you both more than you could ever possibly imagine!

-Happy 21st Birthday Melissa! I hope you have the most amazing day today and I'm so thankful to be able to share these memories with you!

Forever filled with love,

Jenn ♥

Little Red Bird

Excuse me, miss. Miss, hello, can you please come here. Ma’am, I need a refill. *snaps fingers* Jenn, I need another beer.

That’s what I hear on a daily basis, repeatedly for hours and hours every shift I work. That nagging voice of needy people expecting me to be their slave, which I suppose I am in a way.

I live in a very wealthy town. A town where Mercedes, BMWs, Range Rovers and any other fancy car you can think of get driven around by “soccer moms” and dads who are too busy working to spend any amount of time with their children. That is the kind of town I live in. And not only do I live here, but I get the luxury of serving these ass holes (pardon my language).

I don’t understand how these people can drive around in their precious Lexus, or flash that $20K diamond ring in my face, but yet, when they come to eat at MY restaurant and have ME serve them, and they look at that tip line at the end of their meal and only give me fifteen percent…? Do they REALLY need those extra two or three dollars that bad? Would leaving me an extra five percent hurt them as much as it would help me?

As a server (do not call me a waitress, I hate it), I get paid $2.13 an hour, which all goes to taxes anyways, so I rarely get a paycheck. I solely rely on the generosity of the general public to be able to afford all the expenses in my life. It’s tough, not going to lie. So why do I do it? Why do I put up with all the BS from my needy, selfish, over-analyzing customers?

“Little red bird under a chair
Waiting for the crumbs to fall
Daddy said "Get a job"
Well don't you see, Daddy, how good I am at catching crumbs?”
-Dave Matthews Band

I work hard, and I mean very, very hard for my money. Sometimes I don’t get what I deserve. But I do it, forty hours a week I put up with this crap. I am going to school, I will get a degree, I will get a career and I will leave this place. But, in the meantime, why would I want to be that little red bird that is so proud of its ability to catch crumbs?

“You learn you can do your best even when it’s hard, even when you're tired and maybe hurting a little bit. It feels good to show some courage.”

After working at this sports bar/restaurant for almost a year, I’ve learned many important lessons to help carry me through life. But the most valuable one is by far having the ability to work hard, not complain and just do what you have to do, all with a smile on your face and a positive attitude.

So how does this coincide with my quest to find my ultimate purpose in life? I pride myself on being a hard worker. I pride myself on having the ability to keep a smile on my face when someone is snapping their fingers at me. And one day someone will notice it and appreciate what I do. And when that day comes, I will understand why I put up with it for so long. I will finally be able to say that I am and always will be a better person, all because of this job. I will be one step closer in achieving my goal of finding and understanding my purpose in this messed up, insane, crazy-beautiful life I am living. And I can finally say that I will never, ever be that little red bird.

"When you figure out love is all that matters after all..."

I had grown cynical of love in the past 10 months. And maybe it's not all towards love, but also myself. I've been trying to comprehend what happened, and understand the thought process of why I did what I did, and felt what I felt. But, to this day I don't get it. Maybe one day all the pieces will fit together and the reason I've been searching for will expose itself... maybe one day.

As for now, all I have are memories. Some good, some bad, some that I don't want to ever think about again and some that I would love to go back and relive forever.

As for the back-story; I dated someone from the time I was fifteen until I was almost twenty. Over four years of my teenage life I spent with one person whom I was certain I was going to spend the rest of my life with. In a matter of days, I went from being completely, head-over-heels in love to wanting nothing but space, to be alone and most importantly, to be away from him. It was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, to break someone's heart who loved me unconditionally for the person I was and wanted to be. But, being the extremely honest and open person I am, I couldn't hide it from him and I had to tell him the truth. The next few months I grew depressed, lonely and turned into the person I always swore I wouldn't be. There were a lot of changes in my life, but we're not going to get in to those today. Today I want to talk about my present state of mind and the true meaning of love.

Whenever me and my ex would argue (which would usually be my fault, and I will openly take the blame for that), I would listen to Carrie Underwood's song, "So Small." It would open my eyes, and make me realize that whatever it was that made me angry or upset, was nothing in the great scheme of life. That no matter what, love is above all and is absolutely the most important part of life. I truly believe that hearing that song helped us share such a positive relationship. So why the change? Why could I not listen to that song and make me not want to end our relationship?

Well, after months and months of thinking and contemplating reasons for my actions, it finally hit me. The love that Carrie talks about in that song isn't completely about the love of a boyfriend or girlfriend, even a husband and wife. There's all kinds of different loves to have for someone. My love for my parents is completely different than the love I have for my brothers, and my friends. Obviously, there is some meaning for the love of that significant person in your life, if you are lucky enough to have that someone. But, isn't the deeper meaning of that song so much more than that?

"Cause sometimes, that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. And what you've been out there searching for forever, is in your hands." That part of the song is what really got me thinking. I've been trying to figure out for almost a year now, the reasons for my actions. Now, I want you all to know that I'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason, but even I was doubting everything that I believed in because it just didn't make sense. But, it's in my hands now. It's all there and I finally get it. The love that she is talking about is God's love. And no matter what obstacles you go through in life, all the mountains that you climb and rivers that you think will swallow you whole, to understand that unconditional, never-changing love that God has for you is all that matters. It truly makes that mountain a grain of sand.

"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

I want you all to think about those "small things" that can get you down, depressed and wanting to get away. I want you to think of all those emotions and feelings that nobody understands or nothing that anyone could possibly say will make it better. Those things that can ultimately ruin relationships. I want you to think of those things, and then remember this, "When you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else, seem so small."

As for me, I will find that special love again. I'm not worried about that anymore. I have all the love I need right now from the most amazing parents, brothers, friends and most importantly, my wonderful God. I'm young, enjoying life and trying to figure out how all these stages I'm going through will somehow contribute to my purpose in life. So, the cynicism I felt for months and months is gone. The idea that I might not have a purpose in this life is forever washed away. And now I get to focus on figuring out why I'm on this earth, the beauty of life, the unbelievable gratefulness for everything I possess and the undying love that God has for me.

With love, until next time,
Jenn ♥

What is the purpose of life?

As I sat here on my bed, staring at the screen for a good fifteen minutes, I was trying to come up with a name for this blog. I was thinking, pondering on what I wanted to talk about. I have so much on my mind all the time, and I had to think of something that was very general, yet summed up everything in a short little phrase. And it hit me, finally. I am twenty years old. I am lost, confused, lonely and trying to figure out the purpose of my life.

But before I start talking about the purpose of life, I want to begin by telling you how blessed I am, and tell you a little bit about myself. I was born in Plano, TX on December 1, 1989. I moved to the Atlanta, GA area when I was in second grade because of my father's job. I am lucky enough to still have both my parents around, happily married for 33 years. I have two older brothers, Bryan (29) and Mark (24). I am not only the baby of the family, but the only girl, and I wouldn't have it any other way. No offense to any girls out there, but I'm not sure I could have ever handled a sister. I grew up playing sports, climbing trees, hanging on basketball goals (yes, I was a crazy little one!), scraping my knees and I absolutely loved every second of it. I was the ultimate "tom-boy". But, I was also my parents "baby doll" (no pun intended..). I was their pride and joy, their sweet, baby girl, and my mom took full advantage of the fact that I didn't mind her dressing me up. Bows, dresses, curlers in my hair and my bright green eyes got me anything and everything I wanted. As Rodney Atkins once said, "She's her Daddy's girl, her Momma's whole world," and that was exactly how it was and always will be for me. I have a very close relationship with both my parents and my brothers and I am truly, truly blessed to have grown up in such a loving and supportive household.

I'll tell you more about my childhood later, but now I want to focus on not only the purpose of life, or even my life, but the purpose of this blog as well. I "Googled" the "purpose of life," and of course tons of options showed up. I was reading some different meanings and articles, and I realized that I want this blog to be different. I know I'm trying to figure out the purpose of life, and more importantly, my life, but while I'm on this journey, I want to share with you all the experiences that I'm going through. From the good, the bad, the ugly and even the beautiful. I'm not afraid to talk about religion, politics, and as you will all figure out baseball. I have a passion for baseball and even more so, the Boston Red Sox. This isn't going to be a sports blog, so to say, but I will definitely talk about baseball a lot because it is such a big part of my life and something I hope will be a part of my future. So, I hope you guys join me in this journey, this quest to figure out the ultimate purpose of life and maybe even help guide me to figure out my own purpose in this crazy, beautiful life.

Goodbye for now, but not for long.

Jenn Doll (yes, my last name is REALLY Doll, and I think it's pretty awesome)
:) :)